To degree or not degree

In my GCSE's I only began to bother working when I knew I wanted to do A-levels and my A-levels only happened when I decided to do a Degree.

Now I'm in my final year of a Creative Writing degree and I no fucking clue of whats next, what can I do? With this sense of misdirection I'm screwing around, my second essay of the year is late and I'm sitting in a computer room typing on this thing.

I want to defer a year, go work in the field see what people do next and why they do it. How they got there and work out is this the actual field I want to be in. However every time I try and tell some one this I am talked out of it. I tried to do it last year and I should have done it. I need some thing to work towards something telling me:

"Yes this is the area you want to be in and yes you are good enough to do it."

At the moment I just am coming across people that haven't made it, working in shops they are over educated in and bored shitless. I need someone to say to me:

"These are your options and I really think that you can get there all you need is...."

But I'm just told to go and talk to people I have never met before who don't actually know who I am and probably don't care. They have no idea of my ability or how I could apply myself to it. Me I just feel like I'm wasting time and money and to make myself feel better about it I shovel chips for a living.

Obama

Obama actually won!!!!!

Yes I really wasn't holding my breath, I thought that there would be vote fiddling or something.
I dunno, maybe some neo-natzi will shoot him.
Why do I feel as though its all too good to be true?
Its probably to do to with the anti-liberal Thatcher problem we had in the UK, Women marked her as their saviour and thought she would save us from their opression.

Instead she taxed tampons.

She sent the lion on its way.

She loves the way his poetry flows
sounds she lost in touch and now create
etchy jargon crossed with self delinquance.
feelings swept under carpet,
shes here, heart clean
as she promised, locked away
in the perfect box

but touch,
touch. separated from
body she loves.

At amber eyes she cares to stare
for fiery ginger hair.
Playing with memories she fucks
clawing at frustration
not even the sea but land
thrust her in the wrong direction.

She needs to care
she needs to care
or else she might die.

So her hands flicker past each fingertip
and each heart she holds, she holds it close


His picture hidden in the perfect book.
praying that its pages will never grow apart.

Loans

I warn all this is a rant! It is Huge, dire and Angry.

Ok I admit, I live in disorder and chaos. I have stacks of paper all over my room, I don't what the papers are for. All I know is; that it's probably not a good idea to throw them out.
One of these lovely papers is my student loan letter telling me about 3 months ago that I can apply for my new loan. Which I really hate having already, being vaguly aware of the fact I am not even twenty one and am over 9000 in debt is a painful reality.
Also knowing that I probably wont ever get a good enough job to pay it off another painful thought. It has no date of the final deadline on it which means that a black mark is not put in my diary.

I have missed the deadline.
But its ok right? So has about another 300,000 students across the county.
I go to log on.

It asks me for information and passwords that I have not used for over a YEAR. My childhod superhero? Yeah its the same one but however I probably spelt it differently than I do now, did I use a capital? Did I put numbers in it to be UBER secure? Probably, I don't know, or really care
I go onto the dire website once a year, and its horrible.
Its latest news is in wrong order (Oldest at the top?) telling me at the very bottom of a list of wonderful changes to a site that I can no longer apply online.

Whooooooooo, shame I was never actually sent the form. So being used to the questions a computer buff would ask: I ask myself, or my laptop depending on how you look at talking aloud: "Can I download the form off the internet? I can print it off and fill it out presto simplicity yay!"
NO, NO you can't: 404 this page does not exist blah blah.

I want to smash my computer! My form is late. My fault entirely, but there is no such thing as simplicity. Why? Why can I not get the form off the net? Oh and I have forgotten to mention this wonderfully designed website keeps loging me out! 3 questions every time just to get back in!

If I had tried to fill out the bloody thing on time
I would have given up already, pretending it doesn't exist.

Oh look a "contact us number". Buisness, nevermind, its important.
A MACHINE: Fuck you machine! Fuck you! I'm paying to talk to a machine, a machine!

screw you guys! like I want the bloody loan any who
WAIT no... I need it. Yay for the debt filled generation!

Politics

I would love to be more involed with politics, and have spent many an hour debating with fellow students views and ideas:
As far as I can tell: The majority of people, even if views are different, feel icolated from politics.
I click on website after website, trying to find some truth, but find nothing more than empty promises like

"I will make the green light on traffic lights stay on for longer."

Well yeah ya could, but very few people realise that if the greens on longer, the red lights on the joining roads have to be on longer to.

The statement is void, and the politician is a duche.

I want to know more, I hate running round in circles in a hazy mist of nothingness, with no Idea if I am actually standing for what I believe in.
Im just left with a fourteen year olds reaction: "Screw this im gonna go get pissed"

How can we be expected to conform to a society, if we have no idea what stands for what?

I keep trying to work out where I stand politically, Devlving into current affairs, new policies etc. I am just left with conclusion that the world is all wrong and there is nothing I can do about it because I don't understand it.

To add salt to my wounds as a young Idealist; we have the war in Iraq. I Marched, I cared, I tried and was left feeling like young kid feels after the realisation that those foul carrots you had to devour don't make you see in dark after eating them.

YES the war was about oil
YES you lied
YES I knew it
YES its true that

After the statue was pulled down and I saw so many happy people, I questioned my belief that the war was wrong. Just like I still ate those bloody carrots knowing deep down that I would never see in the dark.

I have so much Hatred for the society I live in and it exists because I want to care, I want to be involved but every time I try my head hurts and a dummy seems to be shoved into my talking mouth.

Maybe I should run away to Tepi Vally

Something or other...

On bad judgment of a group of indiduals:

“the members of the crowd are too conscious of the opinions of others and begin emulating each other and conforming rather than independent cognition.”

This I find interesting, because it relates to me at the moment I cannot be bothered to explain why but however it does mean personal oppinon is important.


Quote: Surowiecki

Casper says:

Read The Profit!